Pardon the vagina monologue.

I’m trying to revisit the level of crazy where life is worth living and not mundane and pointless. I think I’ve come out of a dark space so I’m peeking my head out, right the fuck now.

I hit a rut, a massive rut, partially my fault as I allowed myself to be un-awesome for a while where I’d rather stuff my face senseless and pop little friendly visitors until I couldn’t feel anything. Now, while I still love food and visitors, I don’t love the malaise that sutured itself to me like a custom fit dildo.

In the six months since I rambled on here, my car died and I bought a new one, I had a birthday that was stupid and pretty much decided everyone that I know for the most part is a giant fucking phony. Which is true. So…I shut down, a lot. I have reached a place where everything in life feels painfully intense and I really need to scale it down. Solution! More Drugs!!!

I wish that were the case but there’s nothing else I can do that won’t go against my promise.

My greatest promise, to my dear sister when I was 13 was that I wouldn’t abuse drugs. She’d had too many friends OD and I told her I would drink and wanted to smoke pot but that was it.

So I’ve tried to keep my promise, exclusions being my friend Xanax and Vicodin.
I spent the weekend by myself, alone. I planned on watching some research material (not porn but it might as well have been,) and writing. The research material sucked and the writing was stilted at best. I’m working on something new, fresh and happening. The kids will like it. Actually, the kids will think I need to get my head examined but I’m damn excited to make them think that. So there it is.
I spent my Saturday night blasted, cooking up a storm in my kitchen. I make chicken curry, chicken breast with risotto, chicken korma (I must have been inspired by Vishnu) and a lovely vegetable medley. I made some other shit too but I don’t remember.

I was up til about 2 am. It was very out of body. And I woke up and felt somewhat normallish on Sunday. I decided to tighten up my little life and decide what the fuck I was really going for.

What did I want?